Love Advice - Good Arguing
Posted by
patrick
Arguing with your significant other is going to happen. If you argue from time to time that is normal and healthy, your relationship can get stronger from it.
But, arguing in a bad way is a problem. Even just a little conflict that damages the relationship can lead to divorce or breaking up.
Unhealthy arguing that damages the relationship occurs in several ways. The first common way is when one or both of you attack the other, or withdraw into silence for days. Attacking your mate, yelling at them, screaming or deriding them is a bad way to argue. Another negative way to argue is to withdraw for hours or days and refuse to talk with your mate. Both attacking and withdrawing lead to problems.
Another big cause of damage in your relationship is if during an argument you say things that are very hurtful to your mate, like youre a complete stupid idiot or a worthless wench. Studies have shown that if one or both partners treat each other with scorn or contempt during an argument, that relationship gets severely damaged. If you treat your mate with scorn or get treated with scorn you should learn how to deal with conflict in a healthier way.
A healthy way to argue is to understand that arguments will happen from time to time. You both have your own values and views and opinions and perspectives. Next, try to breathe and look your mate in the eye and stay present. Focusing on your breathing will help you to stay somewhat calm.
Next, learn to de-escalate arguments. If they're yelling at you, talk softly and calmly, and you'll notice they may start to talk more softly as well. If you are screaming, remember to breathe and try to lower the volume. It can take a while to learn this skill, but it does work.
Another key skill for good arguing is to ask your lover what's important to them about the thing you're arguing over. Then shut up and LISTEN. You don't have to agree, but just listening will make room for you to share your views and then you can often get to a compromise.
After the argument, see if you can reconnect with your partner quickly rather than let the distance and silence build up. Say something like sorry we argued, are you okay? There is a lot more involved in turning conflict into caresses, but these things are a good start.
But, arguing in a bad way is a problem. Even just a little conflict that damages the relationship can lead to divorce or breaking up.
Unhealthy arguing that damages the relationship occurs in several ways. The first common way is when one or both of you attack the other, or withdraw into silence for days. Attacking your mate, yelling at them, screaming or deriding them is a bad way to argue. Another negative way to argue is to withdraw for hours or days and refuse to talk with your mate. Both attacking and withdrawing lead to problems.
Another big cause of damage in your relationship is if during an argument you say things that are very hurtful to your mate, like youre a complete stupid idiot or a worthless wench. Studies have shown that if one or both partners treat each other with scorn or contempt during an argument, that relationship gets severely damaged. If you treat your mate with scorn or get treated with scorn you should learn how to deal with conflict in a healthier way.
A healthy way to argue is to understand that arguments will happen from time to time. You both have your own values and views and opinions and perspectives. Next, try to breathe and look your mate in the eye and stay present. Focusing on your breathing will help you to stay somewhat calm.
Next, learn to de-escalate arguments. If they're yelling at you, talk softly and calmly, and you'll notice they may start to talk more softly as well. If you are screaming, remember to breathe and try to lower the volume. It can take a while to learn this skill, but it does work.
Another key skill for good arguing is to ask your lover what's important to them about the thing you're arguing over. Then shut up and LISTEN. You don't have to agree, but just listening will make room for you to share your views and then you can often get to a compromise.
After the argument, see if you can reconnect with your partner quickly rather than let the distance and silence build up. Say something like sorry we argued, are you okay? There is a lot more involved in turning conflict into caresses, but these things are a good start.
About the Author:
You can learn much more about this in the free course 7 Vital Marriage Insights You Never Learned In School at How To Have The Marriage You Want. Johnnie S Laney teaches relationship and emotional intelligence courses and you can get more here Marriage Advice Help Secrets.
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